


Spinel and Amethyst Become Druglords

by CaptainJZH



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Drug Dealing, Future Fic, Gen, Gift Fic, Humor, Medicinal Drug Use, Post-Canon, Recreational Drug Use, Superpowers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:26:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27839824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJZH/pseuds/CaptainJZH
Summary: Spinel has some extra bottles of Blue DIamond's happy clouds that she doesn't know what to do with. But since it's not legal on Earth yet, Amethyst has a crazy idea.It might just make them the richest Gems in the galaxy.
Relationships: Amethyst & Spinel (Steven Universe), Amethyst & Steven Universe, Bismuth & Lapis Lazuli & Peridot (Steven Universe), Bismuth/Pearl (Steven Universe), Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Daniel & Connie Maheswaran & Patricia, Pee Dee Fryman & Jeff & Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	Spinel and Amethyst Become Druglords

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goodyfresh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodyfresh/gifts).



“Spinel? You here?” Amethyst asked, stepping to Spinel’s quarters on Homeworld.

Spinel’s quarters were nestled within the Diamonds’ complex — a small, pink room covered wall-to-wall in crates and boxes labeled  _ “BD Essence: Not For Resale.” _

“Hey, Amethyst!” Spinel waved from behind the boxes. “Glad you could make it!”

“Believe me, you’re the only reason I ever visit this crap planet,” Amethyst said with a snort. “So, why’d you ask me here?”

Spinel got a devious smile, and slinked her body over the stack of boxes. She landed in front of Amethyst, hopping up like a spring. “I have a...business proposition.”

“...like what?”

“You know what’s in these boxes?” Spinel said, stretching her arm over to one and picking it up.

“The Ark of the Covenant.”

Spinel laughed, even if she failed to understand the reference. “Nah, it’s Blue Diamond’s happy clouds!” 

Spinel opened up the box and revealed over a dozen little bottles of the blue vapor. Amethyst’s eyes widened. “Whoa, I heard about this stuff. It’s like weed but for Gems!”

“Dunno what that means, but sure! I actually got a ‘scription or whatever for this stuff. It’s supposed to help when I get...you know... _ murdery? _ And they accidentally added a zero so now I got all this!”

“Niiiiice,” Amethyst smirked. “It sucks Pearl still hasn’t allowed this stuff in Little Homeworld.”

“Pearl?”

“Yeah, she’s mayor of the place now or something. Just ‘cause she got a bunch of lesbian friends doesn’t mean she’s not still a stick-in-the-mud, heh.”

“Well then, that’s  _ kinda  _ why I asked you here…”

Amethyst blinked. “You want  _ me  _ to sell Blue Diamond’s high sauce in Little Homeworld?”

“Think of it as a public service! Pearl refuses to get her gem out of her oyster, and all those Gems on Earth don’t know what they’re missing!”

“You don’t need to sell me on it,” Amethyst laughed. “I’m already in.”

There was  _ no way  _ this plan could fail.

\---

“They’re selling  _ what?!”  _ Pearl asked as she walked through Little Homeworld’s Central Hall, with its spacious, tile-covered lobby. A set of stairs led up to the second floor of the lobby, where a balcony lined with offices stretched all the way around.

“They’re calling it ‘Blue Juice,’” Bismuth, her police chief, explained. “Peri thinks it's from the clouds Blue Diamond gives out on Homeworld. It’s all the rage there.”

“How the heck did that stuff get on Earth?” Pearl asked. “What Gems recently used the Galaxy Warp? Have Peridot pull the warp records.”

“Uh, do we really have to seriously look into this?” Bismuth shrugged as they walked up the stairs. “Like, I dunno ‘bout you, but it’s not really doing any harm. It’s like that weed stuff Greg and Amethyst do all the time!”

“Yes, but until the Council rules on it, I don’t see any other option,” Pearl said. She smiled and gave a little chuckle, pulling Bismuth close as they reached the top of the stairs. “Go get those warp records...then maybe we can have some  _ fun  _ in my office later.”

“I can’t wait,” Bismuth said with a smirk.

The two parted, with Bismuth heading back down the stairs and Pearl continuing to her office. Volleyball, Pearl’s assistant mayor, walked past, nodding to her superior. The pink Gem went down the stairs, meeting Bismuth at the bottom.

“You got it?” Bismuth asked in a low whisper.

“Meet me in Chez Amethyst,” Volleyball responded, quietly walking off.

\---

Amethyst’s restaurant, Chez Amethyst, had become very popular in Little Homeworld over the past couple years, owing to its...unique menu. Namely, its menu wasn’t exactly  _ food,  _ as humans defined it, but rather random assortments of objects combined with interesting textures.

“I got some bricks with sand for table two!” Amethyst called out from the kitchen, after coating some bricks with sand.

Jasper, her waitress, grumpily took the platter of bricks to the booth in question, where Volleyball and Bismuth were sitting.

“Here,” Jasper growled, throwing their ‘meal’ onto the table and rollerskating off.

“What service,” Bismuth laughed. “So...you got it?”

“Payment first,” Volleyball said, her voice still innocent as ever.

Bismuth smiled and summoned a roll of coins. They were silver, with a picture of the Earth on one side and the old Crystal Gem flag on the other. They amounted to twenty $5 pieces of Homeworld’s new currency, the Gem Dollar, which had been in use for over a year. Little Homeworld had adopted it as well, since its value was fairly close to the United States Dollar, making for easy trade with the rest of Delmarva.

Volleyball took the roll of coins, placing it inside her gem. She then took out an inconspicuous cardboard box, labeled “B.J.,” sliding it under the table. Bismuth grabbed it and discretely placed it in the pockets of her overalls.

“Pleasure doing Bismuth with you,” Bismuth nodded. She then remembered her ‘food,’ stuffing the brick down her shapeshifted gullet. “Damn, Amethyst does good cooking. I gotta take Lapis here someday.”

After Bismuth left, Volleyball took the roll of coins and went up to the counter. “Keep the change,” she said, handing it to Amethyst.

The purple gem gave her a wink as Volleyball casually strolled off, grabbing and pocketing the money.

\---

“Stars, this is  _ strong,”  _ Peridot said, inhaling some blue vapor out of the diamond-shaped bottle. “Hehehe, but I  _ like it.” _

Peridot, Bismuth and Lapis sat in Peridot’s dwelling, a small green structure in the center of Little Homeworld. The main room, with its dark green walls, had a circular couch in the middle, lowered beneath the surrounding floor. Peridot called it her “bachelor pad,” despite Amethyst’s insistence that her usage of the term was incorrect since they were, apparently, “girlfriends.”

“I know, right?” Bismuth said. “Dunno how Volley got this, but it’s apparently stronger than any human stuff.”

“Human stuff?” Lapis asked as the bottle got passed to her.

“Some time ago, Amethyst introduced me to the human invention of ‘recreational drugs,’” Peridot explained, “marijuana being the most popular. Unfortunately, for it to work on Gems, we must shapeshift Cannabinoid Receptors, so I was incapable of becoming ‘high…’  _ Until now,  _ nyehehehe!”

Lapis inhaled some, and felt a strange calm flow over her. Well, strange for her, since Lapis still struggled with feeling calm even on good days. But this? It made her just  _ relax,  _ like her problems were suddenly easier to deal with.

“How’d you feel, Laps?” Bismuth asked, the bottle being passed to her.

“I feel...good,” Lapis said with a smile.

“Oh, by the way Peri,” Bismuth began, inhaling some more vapor, “Pearl wants you to pull the Galaxy Warp records so we can catch whoever’s bringing this stuff to Earth...”

All three Gems burst into laughter at that.

\---

“Knock, knock!” Amethyst said, banging on the pink, heart-shaped door to Spinel’s quarters.

“Who’s there?” Spinel asked.

Amethyst groaned.  _ “Violet Beauregarde,”  _ she said, begrudgingly. “Why do we need codenames again?”

“I dunno, I thought it’d be fun!” Spinel shrugged as the door opened and Amethyst stepped inside. “Now, how much  _ moolah  _ did we make this week?”

“First of all, no one calls it that,” Amethyst said, “and second…  _ Hell yes.” _

Amethyst pulled a large sack of coins out of her hair. Spinel’s eyes turned to hearts, grabbing the coins and kissing it. “Come to mama!” Spinel said, opening the sack gazing upon their bounty. She then paused and looked up at Amethyst. “How much is it?”

“What, do I look like a calculator?” Amethyst remarked. “Kidding, kidding. I had Peri work it out for me. You’re lookin’ at over 2,000 Homeworldian Pesos or whatever they’re called.”

“A grand for you, a grand for me,” Spinel said, before pausing to think. “Wait, your ‘girlfriend’ knows?”

Amethyst laughed. “You think I’m that dumb? I know Peri can’t keep a secret to save her life. She thinks this is for Steven’s college fund.”

“Dunno what that is,” Spinel shrugged, “but sure!”

“Alright, I can’t be gone for long or Pearl’ll be suspicious,” Amethyst said. “You got this week’s supply?”

“Of course,” Spinel said, handing her a crate full of bottles. It was covered in plastic flowers, the crate itself labeled  _ Flowers By Irene.  _ “Say, you think the Lil’ Homeworld Council or whoever’s gonna legalize this stuff?”

“Maybe, but don’t count on it,” Amethyst laughed.

\---

“Theeeeeee Liiiiiiiitle Hoooooomeworld Cooouncil…” Fluorite said, the chairfusion of the council.

Padparadscha, Rhodonite and the Rutile Twins joined her, with Rhodonite slamming her head into the semi-circular table they all sat at. The Rutiles looked to their fellow councilmember. 

“Are you alright? / Everything okay?” the twins asked.

“Yup, never better,” Rhodonite groaned.

“I predict that these proceedings will be boring!” Padparadscha proclaimed.

Rhodonite got a little laugh out of that. “All in favor of a recess of...indefinite length? I say aye.”

“Aye / Aye!” the Rutiles agreed.

“So it’s agreed, let’s go,” Rhodonite said.

_ “Naaaaaayyyyy…”  _ Fluorite tried to say, but Rhodonite and the Rutiles were already out the door.

“...Aye!” Padparadscha finally said.

\---

“Steven!” Amethyst exclaimed, meeting the young man in his hotel room in Kentucky. “How’s everything, man?”

“It’s going good! I’m supposed to meet up with Connie at Jayhawk in a few days, actually.”

“Heh, nice,” Amethyst said.

“So what’s up with you?” Steven asked, plopping himself down on the bed. “How’s Chez Amethyst?”

“Oh, it’s bringing in the Big Bucks alright,” Amethyst laughed. “Though not as much as my  _ latest  _ venture…”

“...And what would that be?” Steven asked, now curious.

“So you know how Blue Diamond has those clouds that make everyone high? Well, get this, Spinel accidentally got a fuckton of it in little bottles, and we’ve been selling it around Little Homeworld!”

“You’re dealing drugs,” Steven said, deadpan.

“Hey, we’re not  _ dealing  _ it, we’re just the higher-ups who oversee everything and take most of the money!”

“So you’re druglords then.”

“...You know, I like the sound of that.”

“Amethyst!”

“Oh look who’s talking, Mr. Medical Marijuana Card,” Amethyst cackled. “How much do  _ you _ make selling the extra to Connie’s friends?”

“...First of all, I’m not selling it, I’m giving it to Connie, who sells it at a reasonable price and gives me a percentage of the profits.” Amethyst gave him a look, so he continued. “Also, it’s their fault for always giving me too much!” Amethyst folded her arms in mock-disapproval. “And the dispensaries in Kansas keep jacking up the price! We’re performing a public service, the way I see it.”

“You’re a  _ hypocriiiiite,”  _ Amethyst teased, tackling the boy onto the bed.

“Okay, okay, I take it back,” Steven laughed as he pushed Amethyst off.

“Say, how’d you like a sample, On The House?”

“Eh, I didn’t really like Blue’s clouds when I tried them on Homeworld. I’ll stick to weed, thanks.”

“Yeah I getcha,” Amethyst nodded, before a thought occurred to her. “But would you wanna sell it for me?”

“...What’s my take?” Steven asked with a devious smile.

\---

Pearl sat at her desk, sorting through her holo-screens. A knock came at the door.

“Come in!” Pearl said.

Peridot entered, holding her tablet midair via her ferrokinesis. “Hello, Pearl,” Peridot said, “I noticed some numerical discrepancies in Steven’s college fund, and I thought I’d bring them to your attention.”

Pearl looked up from her desk. “...You  _ what?” _

“Oh, did Amethyst not tell you? She had me tabulate recent contributions to Steven’s college fund, though considering Gregory’s immense wealth, I am confused as to  _ why  _ he requires such a fund.”

Pearl paused for a moment, then spoke:  _ “Amethyst  _ told you?”

\---

“So how much do you think it’ll go for?” Steven asked, sitting in Connie’s dorm room. The bottles of B.J. sat on her bed, clinking around in their box.

“It’s like weed, but for Gems?” Connie asked. “How’s it work for humans?”

“Well I’m half-human and it kinda just made me relaxed? So I guess full-humans would just be  _ twice  _ as relaxed as me?”

“...You wanna do a test run at Dan & Patricia’s tonight?”

Steven gave a smirk. “I’ll invite Peedee and Jeff.”

\---

_ “Bismuth!”  _ Pearl said, barging into LHPD headquarters. “I think Amethyst is behind the drugs that are  _ flooding  _ Little Homeworld and making people act with senseless  _ debauchery!” _

Bismuth sat at her desk, giggling uncontrollably. She looked at Pearl and blushed, hiding the blue bottle in her hand. “You’re cute when you’re angry,” Bismuth laughed.

“Are you...high?”

“Maaaaybeeeee…” Bismuth shrugged.

She looked to the LHPD’s other officers, who were also stoned off their asses on Blue Juice. They waved.

“Fine, I’ll arrest her myself!” Pearl said, storming off.

“...We’re supposed to arrest people?” Snowflake Obsidian asked.

\---

Steven passed around the blue bottle, as he, Connie and their friends sat around Daniel and Patricia’s apartment. Connie had taken the first whiff, then Daniel, then Peedee, then Jeff and finally Patricia.

“Oh  _ shit,”  _ Daniel remarked. “Oh  _ fuck.”  _ He started laughing. “That stuff’s  _ good.” _

“I knoooow, right?” Connie asked, already high off her ass.

“Hehehehe, I like this,” Patricia giggled.

Jeff was already dancing in his seat, making Peedee blush as he stared at the young man. Suddenly, Peedee felt his hands heat up. Thinking that the armrest was to blame, he lifted his hand up, but instead shot off a _ ball of fire,  _ which burned a hole into the drywall.

“Well we aren’t getting the deposit back,” Daniel said, unfazed.

“What was  _ that?”  _ Jeff asked, his eyes wide.

“I... _ don’t know…”  _ Peedee said.

“It gives you superpoweeeeers!” Steven squeed, exhaling the vapor from his pen. “I can’t believe it! Do that again!”

Peedee hesitantly lifted his hand up again, firing another fireball at Steven. Steven put up his shield at the last second, dissipating the flames.

_ “Whoa,” _ Connie said, amazed. “I wonder what I can do.” 

She put up her hand, trying to do  _ something.  _ As it turned out, “something” was telekinesis, which she accidentally used on Daniel, shooting him across the room.

“Connie!” Daniel called out as he hit the same spot as the fire on the wall. The young man stood up, extending his arm and  _ stretching it  _ to Connie’s face and poking her on the nose.

“Oh it is  _ on  _ now,” Connie laughed, grabbing a chair with her mind and throwing it at Daniel.

“Ooh, I can hear Jeff’s thoughts!” Patricia blurted out.

_ “What?”  _ Jeff said, gulping.

“He has ice powers but doesn’t want to tell anyone,” Patricia laughed.

“No I don’t!” Jeff said as his chair froze so much it cracked and broke apart.

Steven took a look at the bottle of Blue Juice, then up at his friends and their temporary superpowers. This stuff was dangerous.

But it was so  _ cool. _

\---

_ “Amethyst!” _ Pearl said, barging into the purple Gem’s restaurant.

“Welp, fuck this shit,” Amethyst muttered, ducking out of the kitchen. “Cover me, Jasps!”

“She went that way,” Jasper growled.

_ “Snitch!”  _ Amethyst shouted as she ran out the back door.

Amethyst made a break for the nearest warp pad, with Pearl quickly giving chase.

“Amethyst, get back here!” Pearl called out.

“Pearl, why’d you have to be a square again? I thought you were cool!”

“I  _ am  _ cool! I just care about following the rules!”

“That’s the least cool thing!”

In front of them, a conga line of fusions began crossing the street, as a marching band version of “Stronger Than You” played. Fluorite, Rhodonite, Topaz, Lemon Jade, Crazy Lace Agate, Watermelon Tourmaline and Garnet were in it. Amethyst slid under the parade, giving a thumbs up and a wink as she came out the other end.

“Stars, it’s the  _ Fusion Pride Parade,”  _ Pearl groaned, stopping dead in her tracks.

“Thanks, G!” Amethyst said, hopping onto the warp pad and warping off.

\---

“Spinelspinelspinel!” Amethyst frantically said, banging on the pink Gem’s door.

“Hey Amethyst,” Spinel greeted, opening the door.

“Spinel!” Amethyst said as she entered Spinel’s chambers. “I think Pearl knows about our little...you know…”

“Drug ring? I think that’s what Steeb called it.”

“Wait, you talked to Steven?”

“Yeah, he said he’d usually talk to you but he thought you might be giving him a bad deal. Shoot, I wasn’t supposed to say that!”

“...Are  _ you  _ high?” Amethyst asked, making Spinel laugh.

“I miiiight have been to Blue’s room today, heheheh,” Spinel giggled. “But yeah, Steeb says that his friends want more of the stuff ‘cause it apparently gives them superpowers or something.”

“It does  _ what?!” _

A knock came at the door. “Amethyst, I know you’re in there!” Pearl shouted.

“Hey, you can’t touch me here!” Amethyst argued. “I haven’t committed  _ any  _ crimes on Homeworld, just on Earth!”

She heard Pearl laugh. “Blue Zircon owed me a favor. You’ve been  _ extradited.” _

Amethyst and Spinel looked at each other. Spinel shrugged.

“...This is a recorded message!” Amethyst called out. “If you come back later, we can—”

The door opened. Pearl stood there, holding her spear.

“You don’t have  _ door locks?”  _ Amethyst asked Spinel.

“They’re supposed to lock?”

_ “Spinel!”  _ Amethyst shouted as Pearl picked Amethyst up, putting the small gem under her arm.

Suddenly, Spinel’s holoscreen flickered to life, showing Steven — his pupils red and dilated — laying on a couch. Pearl stopped and turned around. The text at the bottom of the screen indicated that the message was being transmitted everywhere in the universe, which was only supposed to be used for important announcements.

_ “Heyyy,”  _ Steven began, transmitting the message from his phone,  _ “all you Gems and humans and people… My friends really like this stuff I got from Homeworld. It’s clouds Blue Diamond makes or something? It gives them cool powers and stuff, so I think I’m gonna legalize it. Worldwiiiiiide!” _

Amethyst started laughing uncontrollably as Pearl’s eye twitched.

_ “Official Diamond Decreeee!”  _ Connie called out, lifting Steven up with her telekinesis.

The transmission ended there. Pearl, shocked, let go of Amethyst, who was still laughing her ass off.

“Well, I think we just became _official distributors,”_ Amethyst said to Spinel as she smirked at Pearl.

“C’mon Spinel,” Amethyst said, grabbing a box of bottles, “we have  _ legal  _ drugs to sell!”

After Spinel and Amethyst left, Pearl sighed and took a bottle for herself. She figured she might as well see what was so good about this stuff, taking a whiff of the blue vapor.

“Ohhh,” Pearl said, feeling her physical form relax. “Oh  _ yeah.” _

She definitely saw the appeal.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to E350tb for beta-reading!


End file.
